It Could Have Been My Last Day!

The month was long. The last week especially was a very hectic one. To think, it could have been the perfect time to quit, leave, and never return. I could have walked out of the office with my boxes of accumulated personal belongings at 5:01pm. Except that – wake up – it’s beyond 6pm but I am still in fact at work.

I’ve been meaning to write this entry since the start of the week. I call it the anniversary of my foolishness. The culmination of a month’s worth of ‘what-ifs’ and endlessly incriminating my undecided self. We all come to a point where decisions decide our fate. I don’t know until now if I was just afraid of changes or of leaving the “life I’ve been used to” for 3 years, but i decided to stay.

What’s there to stay for? Shortly after giving my final word, i asked this to myself. For weeks, it did echo in my conscience as if triggered by every unfavorable occurrence, deadline, stressful task, and endless clash. I can give four reasons. However convincing they did sound to me at the moment, there are instances that they are the very same reasons i could have pulled out from this situation and have sought a more stable one.

1. Work which i took to consider in my decision ‘coz i don’t want them to be burdened more. Two people reminded me that it is beyond my obligation to care (as a technical staff and NOT a manager). But is it really? Should i just care for my own well-being?

2. Friends who have left me months ago. Things aren’t as fun anymore. Now i traverse the path home in the middle of the night all by myself, sometimes with irrashai tagging along, spend the weekends talking to no one but my imaginary friend. But still it’s a friend i can interact with, and who will not suffer with more tasks when i’m gone.

3. Grad school which should be my #1 reason. But after a month, i have not advanced a step further in my project, courtesy of, well, an overwhelming work. Still, it’s grad school and i can’t just leave without ever finishing it.

4. Life/Habit which i thought was the same as before. Now that i look at it in a clear perspective, it has already changed in a blink of an eye. And i am living a different life. I’ve always wanted to escape. But there’s some strangely deep attachment here that i cannot overcome. It has become a habit which, although suffocating me little at a time, is still difficult to toss out. Soon i know i have to break out of that cord and let myself explore the world. It won’t be long…

If i were to put it to vote, the path i chose may not have won. From a short-minded point of view, it may not even be the better option. Often, i also believe that (thus the forever what-ifs in my mind). But I try to tell myself this: If i leave now, what happiness will i have 10 years from now, with more predicaments and “what-ifs” for a life i did not dare to finish.

Instead of the endless rumination, I am changing my attitude towards everything. It’s not as if I’m choosing between happiness and suffering. Happiness is anyway what we make of it. So i am now keeping all the uncertainties to rest, and begin to make this choice the best one i have ever made.

A life of service and continuous learning is not bad at all. Plus i love the “I’m a Grad student” tag better than any corporate titles around. Haha!

It could have been my last day. Except that it’s not. Life goes on as usual for another 6 months or even more.

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Note: The entry above is a result of a weeklong of madness. Now i need a rest, before Monday dawns on me again…and the cycle goes on.